Tonight I have been left running the division solo once again for two hours at the busiest time of night. The job is a two, sometimes three, person job at the best of times, and being single crewed doesn’t mean my workload piles up and I have to stay late. The nature of my work is immediate and reactive. In the worst case scenario, lives are at stake, and if I am making an urgent phone call, when that urgent message comes over the radio, something is going to get missed, mistakes are going to be made, and at the end of the day, on my head be it.

It is dangerous to leave people alone for more than the time it takes to get a VDU break at any time of day, let alone at peak hours. To add to my stress, I’m working an area I do not know, using systems that were clearly designed for use on the ark. They may well be waterproof, but they’re really not quick.

“You’re never alone,” they say. True there are 10 or so other people in the room. Equally as busy, equally as stressed and some of them, equally alone, in a job people are leaving in droves and not being replaced.

In the next two weeks I will receive a letter telling me that my job may be at risk. Shortly after this, those of us that have been deemed at the bottom of the heap of employees because we had the audacity to be sick at some point in the last 3 years, will receive another letter telling us that our job is at risk. This will be tantamount to a 90-day redundancy notice. I will likely fall into this category due to my 5 years of ill health, no matter that during that time I continued to struggle into work making myself more ill, no matter that I have been well for 2 years now, no matter that I haven’t taken a day off sick in the last 6 months, no matter that I’m bloody good at my job, despite the obstacles they keep throwing at me.

Of course, when they say redundancy notice what they actually mean is that they will offer you the most inconvenient/unpleasant redeployment they can possibly find, so that you will leave of your own accord and they don’t have to pay you a penny for the 10 years of your life you’ve given up to them.

I have blogged before about my philosophy in life being that good things come from the worst lows. I am trying to find a positive in the things that have happened to me over the last few years, but the fact of the matter is, I’ve made some very bad decisions while in no fit state to make decisions at all. They seemed to be the right decisions at the time, but, see above re: no fit state. I’m paying in a very serious way for those decisions now, and I really don’t see much hope in the situation that is ahead of me.

At least there will be one thing that I am not alone in, and that will be the line at the unemployment office.

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