I don’t believe in fate or “everything happens for a reason”, but I do believe that often, barring the death of a loved one, when bad things happen, good things can come from it. Although sometimes the death of a loved one can lead to a nice inheritance, so…

Case in point for me, when my husband lost his job just as I was starting a new one, it was simply the worst thing we could imagine happening at the time. However, he was working in a job that he hated but was too well-paid to leave. Losing that job forced him to make the move, and he ended up becoming a police officer, something he had dreamed of as a child but thought was beyond him.

Okay, the time he was ‘between jobs’ was hard but in retrospect, losing his job was the best thing that could have happened to him.

Throughout the five years of my illness one of the things that kept me going was the thought that, at some point, I would recover and look back and say, “wow, that was a shit period of time, but you know what, if I hadn’t have gone through that then X wouldn’t have happened. It was really the best thing that could have happened to me.”

It’s now two years since I first started to feel better. I recently looked back at some photos from two years ago and realised how ill I still was at that point, but at the time it felt like I was better. I still haven’t found that thing that will make it all seem not so bad. I’m still living through the repercussions of that time, and they still suck. My life, though substantially better than it was, is in no way better because of the experience. The most I can claim to have learned from it, is that I am a whiny, grumpy, depressed person when I am sick, which to be honest I knew anyway, just not to such a large degree, and maybe a better appreciation of what it is like to live with a disability. I haven’t even become a better person because of it, in fact, if anything I have become a worse one. As of now, there is no way that my life or way of life has significantly improved because of it, though I still hope that one day it will.

I have lots and lots of plans in my head as to what my future might hold, but right now, I don’t actually see any clear way of achieving any of those plans. Maybe one of them will come to fruition and I will say “I couldn’t/wouldn’t have done this had I not spent five years of my life in something of a daze, and it’s awesome”; maybe. I had a very happy, healthy life with lots of prospects and plans for my future when I became ill, most of which I was well on my way to achieving and most of which are now on permanent hold. I have no savings and a nice amount of gathering debt.

I can’t honestly say that anything I achieve now, will be better or more fulfilling than what I would have achieved had I continued on the path I was on 7 years ago. Different? definitely. Awesome? maybe. Better? probably not.

I have my appraisal at work today, a question that has now become mandatory is “what are your career plans?” Is “getting the fuck out of dodge” a viable answer do you think? Because to be brutal, my career in the job that I actually do love, despite my rantings about it, has been bottomed by this period of time in my life, and quite often I feel pretty kind of shitty about that.

I’ll continue searching for that thing that will make it all seem not so bad though, and hope that I get the chance at a second go at life, which does begin at TwentyTwice, after all.